I've never been one to make a big deal out of Valentine's Day - I just don't particularly care about it beyond getting good deals on candy after the holiday's over. And it's like a sucker punch to the gut when it falls during Lent! All that candy, and no way to eat it... (Although Valentine's Day is on a Sunday this year, so if you're like me and indulge on Sundays, you're good!)

So, in an attempt to provide a product for an austere, penitent market that I know you readers are, I thought I'd make a niche product that seems to be missing:

Lenten Valentines!

Right click to download, or just screenshot them and share with friends. Hope you get a laugh out of one or two of these!

(And if you need *real* Valentines to print, Micaela and Kendra have you covered!)

What They Said, Volume 19

Reading about St. Vincent de Paul...

Me: John Paul, do you think you might be a priest some day?

John Paul: Mm... Yeah. A priest AND a mathematician.

Me: And what about Peter? Do you think he'll be a priest?

Cecilia: Yeah! Because he LOVES it when I talk about Jesus!

John Paul: And whenever I'm not doing priest stuff, I'll just... Work on some calculus... And if I need to look at something really small, I'll just use my microscope...

Cecilia: Mom, would it be okay if I played with John Paul's snap circuits?
John Paul: Yeah, and I'll be her trusty assistant!

Cecilia emerges from her room wearing a skirt as a poncho...

Cecilia: Look Mom! I'm wearing my skirt as a poncho so my arms don't get too hot!
John Paul: What's a poncho?
Me: It's like a shirt with no sleeves.
John Paul: Oh, kind of like a chasuble! That would be... A liturgical poncho!

And then I died laughing.

Talking about Sisters vs. Nuns...

Me: So Cecilia, do you think you would like to be a Nun and be cloistered away from the world, or a Sister who helps people in the world?
Cecilia: A NUN, so I can get away from my BROTHER.

Not sure they'll accept that as a proper reason at the convent...

Me: Cecilia, why are you wearing a tank top under your shirt?
Cecilia: Well, I made myself a bra too, out of Easter egg shells and strips of paper taped together, but it kept ripping apart...

DYING.

Me: What's your favorite thing about the new house?
Cecilia: Oh, that they left a roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for us to use!!!

Unrelated blurry picture of a baby in a hat. Because how could I not?

What They Said, Volume 18: Twin Talk

And now for another edition of... What They Said! I ended up with so many quotes that I split it into two editions this month. First one up? Twins!

Cecilia: I wish we still lived in our OLD town!

Me: Well, when you grow up, you can move back there.

Mary Claire: I'm NEVER gon' gwow up! I'm just gon' be a CATERPILLAR!

Me: Mary Claire, go put your underwear back on!
Mary Claire: No, I don't like green!
Me: I don't care, you still need to wear underwear.
Mary Claire: It's inside out!
Me: Then bring it here and I'll fix it.
Mary Claire: No, don't fix it, it's not bwoken!

Mary Claire: I want to go downstairs!
Me: Are you going to do naughty things?
Mary Claire, in her sweetest, most innocent voice: No, do NICELY dings!!!

Me, catching the twins playing with cat food: Well great, now I don't have to feed you dinner because you ate cat food for dinner!
Elizabeth: NO, it was our SNACK!

Elizabeth, watching me cut up carrots: Mommy bird, you're cuttin' up my worms.

Me: Worms for dinner?

Elizabeth: Yeah, worm thoup!

Yum.

Elizabeth, watching me crack eggs: Mom, dose are de turtles' eggs and you cwack de eggs and da baby turtles come out!!!

Scrambled turtles. Tasty.

Me: And when we get chickens, you guys can take care of them because you're big kids!
Elizabeth: And I be a yittle chick in my PINK egg, and I will be AWAKE in my egg!!!

Elizabeth, carrying two books with handles: I'm just traveyin' to wuhk.
Me: Oh, what kind of job do you have?
Elizabeth, angrily: I'm just GOIN' to wuhk!
Me: And what do you DO at work?
Elizabeth: Um, wead books.
Me: That sounds like a great job!

A minute later...

Elizabeth: I just GO to wuhk, I don't DO wuhk!!!

Elizabeth, stomping toward the door in pink rain boots and a pink owl backpack: I have sawt on my finger.
Me: You have what?
Elizabeth: It'th for science expewiments.

*stomps outside, comes back in within seconds*

Me: What science experiment did you do with your salt?
Elizabeth: I... Ate it. *stomps back to the kitchen* And now I will get THWEE sawt for you...

I'm writing a post every day for October! This one's #3. Thanks for reading!

50 More Reasons My Toddler(s) Won't Nap

She took her dress off

She got one arm out of her sleeve and can't get it back in

She took off her diaper, changed into underwear, and now she needs to pee

She has peed in her second diaper, removed it, and peed all over her pillow, sheet, and a book. (But she mopped it up with a wipe...)

She threw her dress out of her crib and wants it back

She pooped

She pooped again

She NEEDS TO POOP!!!

She can't throw Mario out of her crib

Mario is out of her crib but he needs to be out of the ROOM

She threw EVERYTHING out of her crib and wants it back

There's a fluff on her finger

There's a fluff on the floor that looks like a bug

There's a hair in her mouth and she can't get it out

She CAN'T FIND HER BOW!!!

She needs her bow back in her hair

She took her bow out again

She's scared of the curtain

The noise machine stopped (because she unplugged it)
The sound on the noise machine is wrong (because she pressed a button to change it)

It's playtime!

Her toe is hurting

It's BLEEDIN!!! (it's not.)

She needs "something" What? "Um, somethin'"

Her dress is on backwards

She's "NEK-kid!!!"

She needs to practice galloping

A truck drove by and it's COMIN!!!

Something is on the ceiling (light. from the window.)
She needs a hug and a kiss.
No, a BIG kiss!!!
On the OTHER cheek!
And a hug!!!
AND A KISS!!!

She needs a book

She ripped up her book and needs it to be thrown away

She needs another book

She found a scrap of paper and it needs to be thrown away RIGHT NOW!
Her pillowcase is full of the pieces of ripped up book that she tried to hide and now she can't sleep.
She needs to hug and kiss the baby.

Her pillow is wet. Because she was sucking on it.

She needs her fingernails clipped NOW!!!

She can't reach something. What? SOMETHING!!!

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!
There's a book stuck between her crib and the wall.
Last week she had a pink barrette and she wants it back. NOW.
She needs socks so she can go ice skating.
She took her socks off and she needs them back on NOW.
She needs her milk that she refused to drink during lunch.
Actually, she would like to finish her lunch also.

Remember when nap time was a quiet time during the day when you could recharge while your kids slept or played quietly?

Yeah. Me neither.

What They Said, Volume 17

While I was prepping dinner:

Elizabeth: Mom, what are you makin'?
Me: Asparagus!
Elizabeth: JUNIOR Aspawagus???

While I was trying to listen to a podcast between Simcha Fisher and Jen Fulwiler...

Elizabeth: Mom! Is da yady talkin' about AngeYINA (ballerina)???

Obviously?

At the dinner table...

Elizabeth, angrily: May Cyaire, weMEMber??? You eated owegano fwom da GAHden!!!

Elizabeth brings a pot over to me...

Me: What did you make?
Elizabeth lifts the lid: I nunno...
Me, seeing two toy cakes: Is it... Cake soup?
Elizabeth, angry: NO! It's YEFTOVERS!!!

Overheard in the back yard...

Elizabeth: I'm big and you're yittle.
Mary Claire: No, I'M big and YOU'RE little.
Elizabeth: We're BOTH big!
Mary Claire: Ya! We're BOFE two and we're BOFE big!!!

Elizabeth: Do re mi...
Mary Claire: NO, do re Me!
Elizabeth: NO, do re MEEEEE!!!
Mary Claire: Do re EVEWYBODY!

Can you tell their parents are musicians?

At bedtime...

Me: Okay, Mary Claire, should we pray a Hail Holy Queen? Hail Holy Queen, Mother of Mercy...

Mary Claire, angrily: Hail Holy Queen and Hail Mawwy are my BEST PWAYERS.

Me: Well I'm glad you like them... To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve...

Mary Claire, giggling: What's "AVEEVE?"

Me: Of. Eve. Like Adam and Eve.

Mary Claire finishes praying while doing some sort of macarena...

Mary Claire, trotting down the hall: I'm just goin' to da bafwoom... To turn on da light... To look at my eyebwows...

Aunt Sister: Mary Claire, who's your favorite sister?
Mary Claire: Cecilia!
Aunt Sister: And who's your favorite brother?
Mary Claire: Peter!
Aunt Sister: And who's your favorite Aunt?
Mary Claire: Um, a black ant!!!

I hear they're the tastiest...

Cecilia, cheerfully: Mom, which twin do you think will die first?

Speechless.

Cecilia: Mom, WHY is St. HELENA always holding the Cross in pictures? Why didn't she just MAKE her own cross so I could find the REAL cross???

Me: Wow John Paul, you must really love science!
John Paul: Yeah. ESPECIALLY hydrogen and oxygen.

Cecilia is holding her hands like a heart around her face...

John Paul: Are you doing that because you want me to be your valentine?
Cecilia: NO!!! I'm GOD'S valentine!

John Paul: I'll publish a book about President Gerald Ford and President Obama speaking... Speaking... Speaking about... I don't know!!!

I predict a best seller.

John Paul: Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh! Ooh OOH!!! Look what I found!!!
Me, thinking it must be candy or money: What?
John Paul: An Allen wrench!!!

To each his own?

And that's all she wrote.

What They Said, Volume 16

John Paul: I did it!!! I won at solitaire just by looking under the cards!!!

Or... Cheating?

John Paul: I think... We'll have more than 9 kids. Or maybe less than 9 kids. Or MAYBE... Exactly 9 kids!

John Paul, after eating his sixth slice of the frozen pizza Andrew slaved over: This is the BEST pizza EVER!!!

Yeah, never mind that pizza mom makes FROM SCRATCH (sauce, dough, and all) - this frozen stuff is where it's at!

#whydoieventry

John Paul: What does "hitherto" mean?
Me: Use it in a sentence.
John Paul: Well, as I was saying, "Hitherto, hitherto, hitherto..."

Great example...

John Paul, to Peter: He doesn't know what a G is... Peter, you have a G! It's the seventh letter of the alphabet! The word alphabet comes from the first two letters of the Greek alphabet, alpha and beta!

John Paul: You're a nerd.
Cecilia: No I'm not! I'm wearing clothes!!!

Nerd != Nude..

John Paul: A mysterious saint is buried here... Who lived before 1015?
Cecilia: Uh... St. Therese?
John Paul: No...
Cecilia: Jesus?
John Paul: *disgusted sigh*

...

Cecilia: Mom, how do dey make stuffed animals? Just take an animal dat's dead and stuff it?

Yup. Or, you know, taxidermy...

Cecilia: Mom, if you're upside down and you're sighing, then you would be up-SIGH down! That's a joke.

Style. She's got it.

Cecilia, talking about The Railway Children: Mom, why did dey call her Bobbie?

Me: It's a nickname for Roberta, kind of like Cece could be a nickname for Cecilia.

Cecilia, thinking: Or...  It could be a nickname for Assisi!

Me:  Yes, I guess it could...

Cecilia: Mom, is Assisi a city or a town?

Me: I think it's a town. 

Cecilia: Yeah, where St. Francis was!

Me: And when you grow up maybe you could travel there!  And walk where St. Francis walked, and go to Mass where he went to Mass...

Cecilia:  Like Aunt Sister!  But I would bring all my kids.

Me: How many kids do you think you'll have?

Cecilia: 4 or 5?

Me: Oh?

Cecilia: Or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9...

Me: Yeah?

JP: Me too!

Cecilia: Or 10.

Me: What will your husband do?

Cecilia, thinking hard: ... Go to work?

Me: But what will he DO at work?

Cecilia, thinking hard again: ...  Make money?

Life goals, in a nutshell.

Cecilia: Mom, last night I had a dream. There was a child and a priest on a cloud, and the cloud was supported by a pillar.  The pillar fell, and the child and the priest...  Were dead.

Me: ... Why were they on a cloud?

Cecilia:  They were at Mass.  But then the pillar fell and they died.  It was a little scary? But not very much.

Ooookay then...

Cecilia: Mom, am I a Christian?
Me: Yes.
Cecilia: Maybe I'll be a martyr... And Peter, maybe YOU'LL be a martyr! But Peter... (Sternly) You CAN'T marry your sister.

Lectures by Cecilia...

Cecilia: Mom, can only boys be presidents?
Me: No, girls can be president too, just no girl has ever been president. Do you think you might want to be president some day?
Cecilia: Mom? Can presidents be saints?
Me: Yes, they can.
Cecilia: Mom? Then yeah, I want to be president AND a saint!!!

...

Elizabeth, holding up two wedges of cheese: I got two wedgies!!!

The twins were being too quiet, so I went to find them... Quietly stacking books together?

Elizabeth: Mom, May Cyaire and Eyizabif are pwetend da pwaywoom is a monastewy!!!

As you were, twins. As you were.

Me: Mary Claire, WHY were you eating sand again???
Mary Claire: It was patendin' to be tortellini...

Me: Mary Claire, were you eating dirt again???
Mary Claire: I was eating a ant!

Is it wine o'clock yet?

Me: Mary Claire, why didn't you sleep during nap?
Mary Claire: I was patend to be da noise machine.
Me: And why were you pretending to be the noise machine?
Mary Claire: Because it was patend to be Lawwy.

Of course.

Peter: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba Da-da-da-da-da-da-da!

What They Said, Volume 15

John Paul: I'm thanking God for all the things He's given me. Thank you God for giving me steel. Thank you God for giving me porcelain.

Okaaaay?

Cecilia: Maybe I'll get a St. Cecilia rosary for my first communion
John Paul: Yeah, and I'll get a St. Benedict rosary!
Cecilia: Or maybe I'll get a Blessed Imelda rosary, 'cuz she hasn't been canonized yet
JP: Yeah! And I'll get a Blessed Miguel Pro rosary!!!
Elizabeth: And! I get a PINK rosary for my BIRFDAY!!! A YIGHT pink rosary!

Have you heard?  She likes pink.

Me, telling Elizabeth a story:  Once upon a time, Princess Elizabeth went to the pet store and her mom and dad bought her a puppy!!!

Elizabeth: A PINK puppy!!!  And it was a stuffed puppy!!!

Um...  Okay?

Best dressed. Always.

Me, telling Elizabeth another story:  Once, Princess Elizabeth was riding her flying horse and they went over a rainbow!  And there were pink clouds in the sky!  And butterflies everywhere!

My mom, sarcastically: And then the butterflies pooped glitter...

Elizabeth, excited: And! Da butterfyies NOT pooped in da SKY!!!

Always a climactic way to end a story.

I don't even know what this face is...

Cecilia: Mom, Jesus lived before the dinosaurs.

Me: No. He didn't.
Cecilia: Mom, first, da dinosaurs lived. Den, da mammoths. Den, Jesus. And den you and me!!! And Katherine.

Check your history books, I'm pretty sure that's the official timeline.

Cecilia: Mom, sometime could we make water?
Me: You mean by melting ice or snow?
Cecilia: NO, with hydrogen and oxygen!

Apparently she's been paying attention to John Paul's studies...

Mary Claire: One day, Pwincess Cecilia began to smile, and den Pwince Peter came!!!
Me: And then what happened?
Mary Claire: And den Dad came! And... Da wise men!

What can I say? I'm raising professional storytellers.

At the dinner table:

Cecilia:  Mom, what could I be when I grow up?

Me: Well, you could be a nun, or a doctor, or a librarian, or a scientist...

Mary Claire: And what could I be???

Me: A teacher, or an astronaut, or a farmer, or...

John Paul: I'm going to be a monk who lives in a monastery that attaches to Cecilia's convent.

Elizabeth: And I be a monk!

Me: You'll be a monk, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth, giggling: A CHIP-monk!!!

It might be the best joke a 2-year-old has ever made up...

Mary Claire, seeing a little girl with a blue sippy cup at Mass: I was dwinkin' fwom my bwue sippy cup and den LIZabif snatched it fwom me and I WAS STILL DWINKIN' IT!!!

And with your spirit, kid.

Mary Claire, looking at a picture of toys: I was playin' wif dat toy and den John Paul TAKED it fwom me and I WAS STILL PLAYIN' WIF IT!!!

She repeated this for every toy in the picture, including the ones that she has never seen in her life...

Mary Claire, talking about Peter: Peter was holdin' a toy and den JOHN PAUL SNATCHED IT FWOM HIM!!!  And HE was still HOLDIN' IT!!!

Can you sense a theme here?

She's even started making up stories that involve things being taken from her:

John Paul got his first library card today and we had the following conversation:

Me: So, was it the best day of your life?
Him: Yes.
Me: Which was better, getting a library card or getting a baby brother?
Him: I like Peter the same amount as my library card. Those were the key events of my life.

Of course, Peter hasn't tried to eat his library card yet...  We'll see how he feels when that happens!

Need more laughs? Other quotable posts are here!