I think we all know that just about everybody is going to be talking about blogging and different types of blogs and the effect that they have on people in the coming days. And I have to admit - it's very confusing to me. The conclusion I have come to is that there's just no. possible. way. to please everyone. So here are my 7 tips on how to write a blog that offends nobody! After all, I have dozens of followers and at least 10 page views every day! If that's not success, what is?
Use your own voice. Write authentically. But if you're boring, try to imitate someone else whose blog you like. Consider switching blogging styles to emulate on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis.
Nobody wants to read a blog that isn't funny. Self-deprecating humor always gets a laugh. But don't beat yourself up because then you'll make people upset that you take blogging too lightly. Make sure not to joke about serious subjects, but consider adding some lighthearted humor to any post that touches on a hot-button topic.
Don't be too perfect all the time! Vent about every single bad thing that happened to you today, but make sure that you're still super-uplifting so that you don't scare anyone away from your vocation to motherhood/teaching/rodeo clowning/medicine/eating as many cinnamon rolls as possible. Don't spend too much time dwelling on the negative, but make sure to include a LOT of it so that nobody thinks you're living too perfect a life.
Everybody likes pictures in a blog post! Make sure to go out and buy a really expensive camera JUST for blogging. Then include only beautiful pictures with no trash on the table, no toys on the floor, no uneaten food strewn about. But be sure that everyone sees these things so that they know your life isn't perfect and is something they can emulate!
Write all your birth stories in gory detail, making sure to insert snarky judgments of anyone who doesn't subscribe to your particular philosophy. Make it impossible for anyone to click away by enlisting some sort of hacker who can ensure that a click on the little X simply sends visitors to the same page again. In fact, consider doing this with every page, since no one should be allowed to close a blog post and stop reading. After all, it's not our own choice what we read on the internet - it is the fault of bloggers for writing something we don't want to read!
When commenting on other blogs, make sure to correct grammar as often as possible. Check for factual errors and enlighten the writer. Take offense to everything that is written, and comment away! If your comment is particularly caustic, make sure you click that "anonymous" button so that you don't have to own up to your nasty nature.
Above all else, know that regardless of your intended audience, whether it be family members, other parents, the general public, etc. much of what you are blogging about you are WRONG about, and everyone is probably offended. You are making someone upset who is reading about your perfect life. You are angering someone who thinks you complain too much. Everything you are doing is wrong. And it's your job to please the masses, since they can't just click away, they are being FORCED to read your blog!
And just in case you can't tell, this is intended to be sarcastic. Blog about what you love. Blog about what you don't love. Nobody's forced to read your blog, and if a post of yours makes someone feel bad about how bad their life is in comparison/how bad your life is/how dirty your house is/how clean your house is/how skinny you are/how good your hair looks all the time/how cute your kids are/how depressing you make everything IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT because YOU ARE NOT FORCING ANYONE TO READ YOUR BLOG.
Now, can we all please stop complaining about everyone else's blogs? People like different things. People write different things. The internet is big - if you don't like something, you don't have to read it.
This post would have included funny pictures but my memory card is stuck in the camera, so... You just get to read about how annoyed I am. And I don't mean to offend you but if I do... Sorry! Feel free to close the window.