Monday, October 7, 2013

The Hidden Superpowers of Babies

I think we're all familiar with the better-known characteristics of babies:  The incredible smell, the squishable cuddles, the adorable sounds they make in their sleep...  But there are some lesser-known superpowers that they all seem to acquire at some point during their first few months of existence.  If you read these, I think you'll know what I'm talking about.
 

1.  Uncanny knowledge of your social media posts

"Did you see that last tweet?" "Yeah!  She told everyone we were sleeping through the night - time to stop!"

Are you one of those who tweets or posts gleefully about some recent accomplishment?  Baby sleeping for more than 7 minutes by himself, baby not needing to nurse every 45 minutes for the first time, baby allowing herself to be put down in the crib to sleep instead of in your bed, mashed into your armpit, baby making it through Mass without having to be taken out more than 17 times for that gleeful, though ear-piercing shriek...

"I'm so happy!  I got more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep!" You post.


Your baby knows it.  And rather than letting you get a swelled head and think that you have somehow acquired a baby who sleeps, baby puts you in your place.

Say good bye to any sleep in the coming days - you jinxed yourself! 

They see you when you're tweeting.  Just don't share.  Then you'll have a chance at continued success!


2.  Psychic ability to detect the number of diapers in your diaper bag at all times

"Ha!  One diaper for both of us!"  "I knew I'd been saving up for this day..."

Go out of the house for 3 hours with 7 extra diapers packed?  Baby happily stays dry. 

Dare to venture out to the grocery store for a quick trip, failing to pack the diaper bag?

Giant blowout.  Up the back.  Down the legs.  All over YOUR clothes.
 
It's a rule.  Always be prepared - if you're not, they will poop.


3.  Creative ability to turn non-toys into toys at will

"I don't care what you've set out for me.  I'm eating grass and that's that."

Let's face it - you might as well buy an extra set of measuring cups, an extra whisk, an extra basting brush, an extra set of mixing bowls...  Your baby will confiscate these kitchen tools for herself and you will never get them back

Face the inevitable - they know what you need to use to make dinner.  And it is the only thing they will want to play with

Be prepared.  You might as well register for your baby shower at Bed, Bath & Beyond instead of Babies 'R Us.  The most expensive toys will gather dust in the corner as your baby sucks on the turkey baster on an hourly basis.


4.  Advanced textile knowledge

"Hand wash only!"  "Score!  You puke on her, I'll try to poop out my leg holes!"

Wearing sweats and an old t-shirt?  You can pretty much guarantee you're not getting dirty.

Dare to change into that dry clean-only silk dress on the way out the door?

Puke down your cleavage.  I guarantee it.

They know what requires the most effort to wash and they will do their best to get it dirty!


5.  Constant knowledge of your schedule

Finally have a chance to sleep in?  Baby's up at 5 AM. 

Need to leave the house early?  Baby sleeps in until 9.

"Ohh...  You needed to be somewhere?  Just hang on while I take a four-hour nap, mmk?"

They do it out of love - they want to keep you on your toes, you know?

What do you think, anything missing? 

23 comments :

  1. This is pretty much perfect, Rosie. (And holy twin baby cuteness!)

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    1. At least their superpowers include the incredible cuteness, otherwise we might have to send them back ;)

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  2. I love the eyebrows! And the turkey baster is my go to kitchen distracter :)

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    1. I need to find ours - it made its way into a toy box months ago, I think it might be time to buy a new one!

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  3. Ha! You forgot the eating rule. The amount a baby likes a food is inversely proportional to the amount of time and effort you put into preparing it for them. Food found on the floor is the most flavorful and highly preferred over anything offered off a spoon or on a tray.

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    1. "Food" found the floor - including leaves, woodchips, bugs, paper... Elizabeth found an onion skin the other day and was SO excited. I let her keep it because it's technically food, right?

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  4. Oh my gosh, I'm rolling! Hil-ar-ious!

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  5. Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. What Amelia said, too!

    How about: The breakage of household items will be directly related to cost of said items. Example: cardboard boxes last for years, but laptops and iPads will get broken often.

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    1. Cost and sentimental value, right? They ignore all those fancy teething toys but want to chew on my pearls all day long...

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  6. You speak the truth. The horrible, horrible truth. Good thing they're so darn cute! :)

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  7. This is great :) They will also collaborate with siblings on nights when they're feeling especially tired. "I'm a bit beat and was thinking of sleeping through my normal two wake ups for the first time ever. I know you haven't woken up during the night in a few years but could you cover for me? Your first ever nightmare or possibly some vomit should work."

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    1. You're so right!!! That ALWAYS happens to us!

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  8. This is spot on! So many times I have jinxed myself by sharing about somebody sleeping through the night or whatever, only to have it bite me within 24 hours.

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  9. This is so great! And so true. I don't have twins like you do but with 2 girls 17 months apart, the diaper thing happens without fail!

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    1. As long as they're not eating it, it's not TOO bad, right?

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  10. Here's my addition: When you finally figure out a food your picky eater will eat, the more you buy/prepare the less likely he is to eat it again.

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    1. ESPECIALLY if it's a food that's reasonably priced... They KNOW!

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    2. Picky eaters not only change their minds frequently, they conspire with their siblings to make every child in the family a picky eater. And they decide what food they will and will not eat this week. Because once you stock up on it, they won't like it any more.

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  11. Oh so funny! And true. How about their mommy radar of when you f i n a l l y get into bed, they decide it's time to wake up?

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  12. So cute and true!

    I know this is off subject, but I was wondering if your older kids wear pedipeds too? I know we talked about these shoes for little ones, but I was curious if the shoes for older children were just as good. Have you tried them?

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  13. Claire has always seemed to have an uncanny ability to fall asleep in her car seat when we're five minutes from home! And if you so much as put the car into park, you can guarantee that she will wake up and never, ever continue her nap inside!

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