1. Uncanny knowledge of your social media posts
|"Did you see that last tweet?" "Yeah! She told everyone we were sleeping through the night - time to stop!"|
Are you one of those who tweets or posts gleefully about some recent accomplishment? Baby sleeping for more than 7 minutes by himself, baby not needing to nurse every 45 minutes for the first time, baby allowing herself to be put down in the crib to sleep instead of in your bed, mashed into your armpit, baby making it through Mass without having to be taken out more than 17 times for that gleeful, though ear-piercing shriek...
"I'm so happy! I got more than 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep!" You post.
Your baby knows it. And rather than letting you get a swelled head and think that you have somehow acquired a baby who sleeps, baby puts you in your place.
Say good bye to any sleep in the coming days - you jinxed yourself!
They see you when you're tweeting. Just don't share. Then you'll have a chance at continued success!
2. Psychic ability to detect the number of diapers in your diaper bag at all times
|"Ha! One diaper for both of us!" "I knew I'd been saving up for this day..."|
Go out of the house for 3 hours with 7 extra diapers packed? Baby happily stays dry.
Dare to venture out to the grocery store for a quick trip, failing to pack the diaper bag?
Giant blowout. Up the back. Down the legs. All over YOUR clothes.
3. Creative ability to turn non-toys into toys at will
|"I don't care what you've set out for me. I'm eating grass and that's that."|
Let's face it - you might as well buy an extra set of measuring cups, an extra whisk, an extra basting brush, an extra set of mixing bowls... Your baby will confiscate these kitchen tools for herself and you will never get them back.
Face the inevitable - they know what you need to use to make dinner. And it is the only thing they will want to play with.
Be prepared. You might as well register for your baby shower at Bed, Bath & Beyond instead of Babies 'R Us. The most expensive toys will gather dust in the corner as your baby sucks on the turkey baster on an hourly basis.
4. Advanced textile knowledge
|"Hand wash only!" "Score! You puke on her, I'll try to poop out my leg holes!"|
Wearing sweats and an old t-shirt? You can pretty much guarantee you're not getting dirty.
Dare to change into that dry clean-only silk dress on the way out the door?
Puke down your cleavage. I guarantee it.
They know what requires the most effort to wash and they will do their best to get it dirty!
5. Constant knowledge of your schedule
Finally have a chance to sleep in? Baby's up at 5 AM.
Need to leave the house early? Baby sleeps in until 9.
|"Ohh... You needed to be somewhere? Just hang on while I take a four-hour nap, mmk?"|
They do it out of love - they want to keep you on your toes, you know?
What do you think, anything missing?